I haven't written anything for two weeks because it has been difficult for me to ride the flow again emotionally. There were more random fits of crying than usual, mostly due to loneliness. Mostly due to the anguish that comes with the desire to craft a life of independence and autonomy contradicting with the human need to be loved, understood and known deeply. I am grateful that I am among people whom I can be lonely with, whom I can stop by the hall or locker rooms or cafeteria and just break down with abandon. This is one of the reasons why I know I am in a much, much, better place. I think there was someone who said that the theatre is a place where people can be alone together - and that's pretty much how I feel about my life and my class at the moment.
Some new things:
1. Poetry class We finally have poetry class this spring semester! I've been looking forward to this so much! I've always wanted to be a poet but never knew how! We have to turn in a new poem each week. I bought a new blank notebook and I write poems about anything - even shitty ones. I need to write poems in my life right now. I need tools to articulate all these experiences. The things I see and feel within a single day these days are more full than a life in a week in my previous life.
2. Snow My first snowfall this year happened last Sunday, January 17, 2016. I was in my room and I looked out the window and I realized I was seeing small flakes. I ignored them at first and then when I looked closer and longer I realized they were not dust or rain but snow. I was so happy. I went out to go to church and I saw white snow on the ground covering the cement, the plants, the tops of cars, my feet leaving footprints on the white. I did not fully understand why I was so happy to see the snow again. Upon sharing this experience with my best friend, he reminded me that my Juilliard Journey has been a year, and the snow reminded me of the first time I came to "Narnia." He was right. Looking at the snow, seeing New York in white, reminded me of the first time I stepped into the city, miserably cold and full of uncertainty. And yet, like many great love stories, what reminds you of the first time only reinforces how things fall into place and how things are meant to be.
Juilliard Audition Anniversary
January 24, 2015 was my Juilliard Audition Day. It was also the first time I saw snow. I know this because I had written it in my 2015 journal. What I did not realize until the end of that day was that two years before, January 24, 2014 was my New York-Manila Musical Theater Workshop Recital. In that workshop I met Orlando Pabotoy who was the first Filipino Male who got into Juilliard (the First Filipino ever to get into Juilliard was Ana Valdes-Lim). It's amazing how one's life can have all these signs and synchronicities when you pay attention enough.