New Jersey: "I deserve this. I deserve this."
Most of my reviews this quarter were mostly about teachers telling me that I'm working too hard or overworking in a way that is no longer of service to me. So after I ushered my last play this semester, returned all my library books, did all of my laundry, took out the trash and read The Seagull once (we're doing Chekhov next semester), I headed straight to my aunt's place in New Jersey.
I cannot begin to articulate how much I enjoy being around my father's sister's family. I feel like I've been surrounded by dysfunction most of my life, and being around a family that eats dinner and midnight snacks together and knows when to leave its kids alone is so nice.
Sometimes I feel that all the good fortune that's finally been available to me upon coming to Juilliard is a reward for getting through all that shit in my previous "life." I'm not really sure how life works. But then again, what's the use of making that entire journey only to live the same way? I'm here to build a new story for myself. And that rebuilding requires change, change, change.
Giving Self Permission
I didn't bring any school-related notebooks or books with me to New Jersey. I promised myself I wouldn't do any kind of "work" for a whole week while I'm in New Jersey for Christmas. As a gift and an act of love for myself, I decided I will leave myself alone for a week and give myself permission to "not do" anything. Or rather, give myself permission to do things that I normally wouldn't allow myself to do during the school year. These include: waking up any time I wanted to (no alarms), or sleeping any time I wanted (afternoon naps are the best), eating sweets when I want to (there is always an abundance of food in Tita Lea's house), drinking coffee, eating a croissant or a bowl of cereals at night (the Jhocson family has a wonderful habit of midnight eating) while watching bad-TV with the folks, or chatting about life, love, and career with my cousin until 4:30 in the morning. All this time telling myself: I deserve this, I deserve this.
